We Didn't Deserve It.

After my youngest daughter was seriously burned in a house fire, causing her to have life-long disabilities and causing her to need an undetermined amount of surgeries throughout her life, my spiritual world-view crumbled.  I've often described it as a glass being shattered in my face and all the pieces lying on the ground. I felt as if I were scrambling on the floor trying to put the pieces back together, but knowing it would never be the same.

Yes, I knew that God was real.  Yes, I felt Him working in my life.  I felt a peace that passes understanding.  A un-worldly peace, knowing that my daughter could die- and accepting it.  Having 100% faith, without a doubt, that she would go to heaven if she died and I would meet her there someday.

But something was off.  Something wasn't right.  I was suffering, my family was suffering and we didn't do anything wrong.  We didn't deserve it.

Why was that so difficult to accept?  Why was it a surprise to me that life had knocked me down and was kicking me repeatedly? Why was I angry that life wasn't "fair".

I read the book of Job 3 times during my daughter's five month hospital stay.  I had never understood what the book was about before, not really.  It still doesn't totally make sense, but here is what I gleaned: You can have the worst life imaginable through no fault of your own.  You can do everything right.  You can follow all the rules.  You can pray and read your Bible. You can go to church everytime the doors are open.  You can never drink or smoke or do drugs.  You can save sex for marriage.  You can have every good intention in your heart AND STILL suffer immeasurable grief and pain.  You can suffer such emotional pain that you will wish you were dead.  You can suffer such guilt and shame and have no living person to turn to for help.  You can have sleepless nights, roaming the hospital halls, unable to call anyone because you do not want anyone to feel the pain that you feel - why would you share such pain with other people that you love - that would be cruel to them.

Church did not prepare me for this part of life.  Or perhaps, I just didn't understand.  Most of what I heard in churches was this - do good and make good choices and you will have a good life and be rewarded. Also, do bad things and make poor choices and you will have a bad life and be punished.

This is what Job's friends were also taught, I suspect.  They did their best to convince Job that he deserved every bad thing that had happened to him.  Job continued to defend himself.  I feel the same.  There is nothing I have done in my life that could cause me to deserve what happened to my child, my baby.  The punishment does not fit the crime.  Not even close.

When was the last time you heard this in church: Even if you make good choices in life and try your best to live for God, bad things will still happen to you.  Not a very popular message is it?  But for those who have suffered, it is a comfort.  God is not punishing us.  God is not stomping us into the ground in anger.  God still loves us.

Life is much more complicated than the human mind can comprehend.  God never explained to Job why he allowed Job to suffer so much.  God never apologized.  (I went through a stage of healing where I felt the need to "forgive God" for allowing my daughter to be burned, even though I accept the fact that God does not make mistakes, but that is another blog post.)  God only reminded Job that He is God and He is in control of all things.  It took me quite a bit of time to accept that.  Sometimes I still struggle with it.

Where am I going with this?  I just have this desire for all God's children to know that suffering isn't always punishment from God.  Suffering can be outside the realm of punishment for sin and persecution for righteousness sake.  Suffering is just a part of life.  It is human.  When your fellow man has a tragedy, do not look for their fault!  Lift them up with your words and your actions and your prayers.  Let our trials bring us closer together as we travel through a fallen world, looking forward to a place prepared for us where there is no more pain, no more tears and no more death.

How Do I Describe Anxiety?

how do I describe anxiety? It can be like a constant background noise. Bugging you. Nagging. The what ifs. The dread of the next mishap or sickness

(This was an unpublished draft from earlier this year, so I decided to go ahead an publish it unfinished)

Some Trials are Life-long

Through every trial we face, we get stronger.  Also, some trials are life-long.  This is a fact that isn't always taught in church.  It is a difficult truth to grasp for someone that isn't facing a life-long trial.  I still do not totally grasp it.

(This was an unpublished draft from earlier this year, so I decided to go ahead an publish it unfinished)