We Didn't Deserve It.

After my youngest daughter was seriously burned in a house fire, causing her to have life-long disabilities and causing her to need an undetermined amount of surgeries throughout her life, my spiritual world-view crumbled.  I've often described it as a glass being shattered in my face and all the pieces lying on the ground. I felt as if I were scrambling on the floor trying to put the pieces back together, but knowing it would never be the same.

Yes, I knew that God was real.  Yes, I felt Him working in my life.  I felt a peace that passes understanding.  A un-worldly peace, knowing that my daughter could die- and accepting it.  Having 100% faith, without a doubt, that she would go to heaven if she died and I would meet her there someday.

But something was off.  Something wasn't right.  I was suffering, my family was suffering and we didn't do anything wrong.  We didn't deserve it.

Why was that so difficult to accept?  Why was it a surprise to me that life had knocked me down and was kicking me repeatedly? Why was I angry that life wasn't "fair".

I read the book of Job 3 times during my daughter's five month hospital stay.  I had never understood what the book was about before, not really.  It still doesn't totally make sense, but here is what I gleaned: You can have the worst life imaginable through no fault of your own.  You can do everything right.  You can follow all the rules.  You can pray and read your Bible. You can go to church everytime the doors are open.  You can never drink or smoke or do drugs.  You can save sex for marriage.  You can have every good intention in your heart AND STILL suffer immeasurable grief and pain.  You can suffer such emotional pain that you will wish you were dead.  You can suffer such guilt and shame and have no living person to turn to for help.  You can have sleepless nights, roaming the hospital halls, unable to call anyone because you do not want anyone to feel the pain that you feel - why would you share such pain with other people that you love - that would be cruel to them.

Church did not prepare me for this part of life.  Or perhaps, I just didn't understand.  Most of what I heard in churches was this - do good and make good choices and you will have a good life and be rewarded. Also, do bad things and make poor choices and you will have a bad life and be punished.

This is what Job's friends were also taught, I suspect.  They did their best to convince Job that he deserved every bad thing that had happened to him.  Job continued to defend himself.  I feel the same.  There is nothing I have done in my life that could cause me to deserve what happened to my child, my baby.  The punishment does not fit the crime.  Not even close.

When was the last time you heard this in church: Even if you make good choices in life and try your best to live for God, bad things will still happen to you.  Not a very popular message is it?  But for those who have suffered, it is a comfort.  God is not punishing us.  God is not stomping us into the ground in anger.  God still loves us.

Life is much more complicated than the human mind can comprehend.  God never explained to Job why he allowed Job to suffer so much.  God never apologized.  (I went through a stage of healing where I felt the need to "forgive God" for allowing my daughter to be burned, even though I accept the fact that God does not make mistakes, but that is another blog post.)  God only reminded Job that He is God and He is in control of all things.  It took me quite a bit of time to accept that.  Sometimes I still struggle with it.

Where am I going with this?  I just have this desire for all God's children to know that suffering isn't always punishment from God.  Suffering can be outside the realm of punishment for sin and persecution for righteousness sake.  Suffering is just a part of life.  It is human.  When your fellow man has a tragedy, do not look for their fault!  Lift them up with your words and your actions and your prayers.  Let our trials bring us closer together as we travel through a fallen world, looking forward to a place prepared for us where there is no more pain, no more tears and no more death.

How Do I Describe Anxiety?

how do I describe anxiety? It can be like a constant background noise. Bugging you. Nagging. The what ifs. The dread of the next mishap or sickness

(This was an unpublished draft from earlier this year, so I decided to go ahead an publish it unfinished)

Some Trials are Life-long

Through every trial we face, we get stronger.  Also, some trials are life-long.  This is a fact that isn't always taught in church.  It is a difficult truth to grasp for someone that isn't facing a life-long trial.  I still do not totally grasp it.

(This was an unpublished draft from earlier this year, so I decided to go ahead an publish it unfinished)

Our God Is Able To Deliever Us

Daniel 3:17-18

17 If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king.
18 But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up .

The faith of the three men in this story is amazing.  As they faced certain death, they did not back down from their faith in God.  They basically said, "God can save our physical bodies from this fire" and "Even if God doesn't save our physical bodies, we will still worship Him alone, no matter what."

After my daughter was burned in a house fire last year, as I was waiting for the ambulance and my daughter was struggling to breathe, I prayed a similar prayer.  I remember praying, "God you CAN save her!  We know you have ALL power! You can do ALL things!"  I know I wasn't telling God something He didn't know, but I wanted Him to know that if my daughter did survive, I there would be no doubt in my mind that HE was behind it.  I also wanted to go straight to the most powerful, merciful healer - my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  I brought my daughter before Him and begged for His mercy and power of healing over her.  I was on my knees on a dusty gravel road with my child in my arms before the very throne of God, begging and pleading in a loud voice for more time with her.  That is how I felt.  My two other children were beside me.  At one point, as I was praying aloud, I realized that they were saying in unison over and over - "LIVE! LIVE! LIVE!"  I told them, "Say 'Jesus help our baby to live'" and they prayed together in unison for their baby sister. 

Later that day, the official fire inspector told us that after seeing the ruins of our trailer (completely burned down to the ground) and hearing a description of the rescue of the child, he would have had no doubt in his mind that the child either died in the fire or soon thereafter.  He said that with the trailer completely filled with black smoke, the temperature of where our daughter was laying should have been 900 degrees.  He said it was his opinion that the hand of Jesus Christ was over her, keeping the heat from burning her up.  He said that when I opened to door, the fire should have exploded in my face, knocking me back and burning me.

After that conversation, I realized that Jesus had ALREADY saved her life, even before I asked Him.  He was already with her.  He was with her IN THE FIRE.  And He stayed with her, helping her heal.  That is what I believe.

But the men of God in the Book of Daniel took it even further.  They claimed that they would trust and worship God, even if He did not rescue them.  Could I say the same?  Could I still worship God, even if He chose to take my sweet baby to heaven on that day?  There is no way for me to know for sure, but I hope that my faith would be that strong.  I know that life is short here on the earth.  We have a few days and we have much misery, but Heaven is waiting on the other side.  I believe that more strongly that ever.  I am so thankful for our hope of Heaven and eternal life.  Later that same day, after Rose was airlifted to Children's hospital, I told my two older children, "They are taking good care of Rose now, but she still might go to heaven." My 4 year old son replied, "It's better to be in Heaven."  A beautiful  and comforting truth (the most comforting thing that was said to me on that terrible day, in fact) from the mouth of a babe.

O Death, where is thy victory?

In this life of trials and temptations, I think we must accept that we will have good days and bad days... we will have good weeks and bad weeks.... we will have good years and bad years.  Some may even feel as if their whole life is "bad".  I use the word "accept" a lot lately.  It is comforting to me when I'm feeling depressed, tired, overwhelmed, sad, panicky, guilty, lazy, ect... I don't mean for it to become an excuse, but it helps me to accept that I will have these feelings from time to time and that doesn't make me a bad person or a failure.  For me, it is important that I accept what happened last year, which was so far the worst year of my life.  As I accept it, I can move forward.  It helps me let it go. When a thought comes to my mind... a memory, or a regret, or a fear... I find it helps me to think, "Yes, that happened and I accept it" or "Yes, I am feeling this feeling and I accept it".  It might seem silly to some, but when you have overwhelming feelings and memories from a traumatic event, you cannot allow your mind to dwell on them.  Those feelings and memories can drag you down and hold you down, when in fact, they should not control your life or your mind!  I have been trying more to be full of gratefulness.  I need more work, of course! Gratitude is the opposite of so many negative feelings.  But sometimes it's not easy to feel grateful.  Here is a list of some things I am grateful for:

My husband
My children
My home

So I will admit, it was difficult for me to type those things.  Why is gratitude difficult for me sometimes?  I think it is because, I realize that I could lose those things that I love the most.  I did lose my home last year and I almost lost my daughter.  I think maybe this also boils down to acceptance.  I need to accept that eventually, I will lose everything on this earth.  BUT, my greatest treasures I will never lose.  My faith in God and His Word gives me hope that even after death, I will see my loved ones again.  So maybe my gratitude is a bit misplaced.  Maybe I need to start being grateful instead for EVERLASTING LIFE.  Now that is something I can be truly grateful for.

Col 3:1-4
If ye then be risen with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ sitteth on the right hand of God.
² Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.
³ For ye are dead, and your life is hid with Christ in God.
⁴ When Christ, who is our life, shall appear, then shall ye also appear with him in glory.

Isaiah 25:8-9

⁸ He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord God will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of his people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the Lord hath spoken it.
⁹ And it shall be said in that day, Lo, this is our God; we have waited for him, and he will save us: this is the Lord; we have waited for him, we will be glad and rejoice in his salvation.


John 6:47
⁴⁷ Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me hath everlasting life.

I Cor 15:52-57
Behold, I shew you a mystery; We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed,
⁵² In a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trump: for the trumpet shall sound, and the dead shall be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed.
⁵³ For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality.
⁵⁴ So when this corruptible shall have put on incorruption, and this mortal shall have put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written, Death is swallowed up in victory.
⁵⁵ O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?
⁵⁶ The sting of death is sin; and the strength of sin is the law.
⁵⁷ But thanks be to God, which giveth us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

My Purpose Today

There is a fine line between feeling overwhelming gratefulness for life and extreme sadness and confusion over a near death, life changing experience. I want to lean more toward the grateful side, yet without ignoring my feelings of grief. I have dealt extensively with my feelings through therapy in the past year, but I still deal with feelings of loss occasionally. Loss of normalcy, loss of feeling safe, loss of a part of my faith I'm afraid. I still cling to my faith, but it has drastically changed. That is life and I accept it. I accept these changes. I accept these losses. I move forward. I will lead a peaceful life seeking to ease the pain and suffering of others. That is my true therapy. That is my purpose today.

Hello, welcome to my blog. I have been feeling a need, or maybe a calling to share with you - whoever out there may be hurting, or fearful, or anxious. I have been there too. I still am there sometimes. But I do find moments of hope and I have days of love and beauty. I am also still nervous about sharing, fearing judgement by a few, I guess. But I have such a deep longing to share my heart, that I can't hold back anymore.


I was wondering what to call this blog when I found this in my writings... Tell me if you see the similarities in these two excerpts:
2012
The most important thing I have learned this year is that God is with me.  Always.  In my darkest hour.  He is there.  He doesn't always "make everything better" but He "never leaves me nor forsakes me".
2015
I feel like God is answering my prayers. He is making me wiser, stronger, more peaceful in stressful situations, and He is showing me how to love people, people who are in pain, people who are broken, people in the hospital. Now I understand. Now I am no longer an onlooker from the sidelines. He is also teaching me to love Him no matter what my circumstances are. To love Him in good times and bad times. To love Him because He was with me in my darkest hour.


A little introduction, in case you don't already know me.... I'm a 31 year old wife and mother. I've been married almost 10 years and I have 3 children, 7,5 & 2 years old. I was saved when I was 6 or 7 and God has always been the most important part of my life.
I am not a perfect person. My personality is full of flaws. My life is full of flaws. The last thing I want this blog to be is another picture of perfect life.... Scrubbed clean.... For everyone to envy and ooh and aah over. I just want to share the truth, in hopes that someone else will realize that they are not alone. Life is not easy. There are difficult times. Some difficulties last a few moments, some last a lifetime. I hope that you are blessed and encouraged by my writings.